My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
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and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
This checks out
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Anyone really
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.