Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
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sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
become ungovernable
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.