On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
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Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
you have three unread messages
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.