year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
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[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Muppet Screams
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter