Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
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I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
At an art museum and I thought this was art
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.