Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
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When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct