My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
“The Perfect Relationship”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Dead sexy!!
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.