Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
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I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.