I used to be married, but I’m better now
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I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
This line from Airplane.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid