“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
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I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker