If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
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I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
checking out some reviews of my local library
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown