My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
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i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”