Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
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fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Nomnomnomnom
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I want what they have
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car