The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
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(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Solving a traffic jam
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder