Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
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I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”