we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
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Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it