A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
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Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.