Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
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Natty or not?
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.