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Me: Okay I need help
People:
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Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Remember folks 😂
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best