“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
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The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.