Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
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[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
we’re dead?
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?