I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
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Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Cinematography is my passion
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
is frankincense just very honest incense?
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]