I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
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One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started