Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
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CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS