Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
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Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
White parent Vs Arab parents
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot