me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
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The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.