If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
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10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
This headline is a thing of beauty
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”