My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
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Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Sorry not sorry.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.