Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
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It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.