what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
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Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.