I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
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*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*