*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
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Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Sounds like a bargain
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.