It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
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Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
You saw nothing. I am ham.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍