Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
You Might Also Like
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.