If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
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From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Driving in Europe vs Canada
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)