Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
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Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.