They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
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My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
How I like cutting carbs
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats