One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
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Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My neck my back my allergy attack
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.