I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
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if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work