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i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
good let them take over I have had enough
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
This rocks
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?