If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
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[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Schrödinger’s cookie
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do