I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
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police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
screw you
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.