political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
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A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
no!! no!!!!!!
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?