This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
You Might Also Like
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
What do you hear?
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
just make the entire table out of coaster
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Can’t stop laughing
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators