Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
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Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz