Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
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My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.