If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
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If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.