Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
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me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍