Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
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If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
My last name is Zilla.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!