Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
You Might Also Like
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife